Sometimes I feel like I’m supposed to know exactly what I want by now.

But honestly, I don’t.

Marriage.
A home.
Children.
A career.
A future.

It sounds so simple when you put it that way.

But when I sit and think about it, I realise I’m not as certain as I sometimes pretend to be.

Some days I long to be a mum.

I imagine what it would be like having a little person who is ours, watching them grow and experiencing that kind of love.

Then there are other days when I find myself wanting to live like this forever.

Just me and my husband.

Working towards our careers.

Enjoying our marriage.

Coming home to a quiet house.

Having the freedom to decide where we go, what we do and what comes next.

And sometimes that life sounds so peaceful to me.

Not because I don’t want to be a mum.

But I have a feeling that once I become one, I won’t quite know who I am outside of being a mum.

I know I’ll still be me.

But I also know that life would change.

My time wouldn’t completely belong to me anymore.

My priorities would change.

My days would look different.

And there’s a part of me that wonders what it would feel like to suddenly have this whole new identity that comes with being someone’s mum.

Would I still feel like myself?

Would I miss the woman I was before?

Would I look back at the life my husband and I had and miss how simple it felt?

I know people say you can have both.

And I know that’s possible.

But we’re not living in Lala Land either.