When I think about that time in my life, I used to tell myself it happened because I was stressed and going through a lot.

I told myself it was the distraction I needed.

But deep down, I knew those were just excuses.
Because the truth was, I made a choice.
And it’s not a choice I’m proud of.

I Didn’t Think It Would Happen

It was the first time I had ever done anything like this.

I don’t even know exactly what it was about him that caught my attention.

Maybe it was the way he looked at me.

Maybe it was the way he talked to me.

Maybe it was because he's from a different culture.

Who knows what was really going on in my head at the time?  

He wasn’t my usual type in a guy. Definitely not someone I would normally go for.

But somehow, I found myself drawn to him.

And there was one thing I couldn’t ignore.

He was married.

It Started So Innocently

At first, it was just daily messages.

We worked together, so we had plenty to talk about.

Work conversations turned into conversations about other things, and eventually there were a few drinks here and there.

Nothing that felt serious.

Until one random night, we kissed.

And after that, everything changed.

What was supposed to be nothing became something that continued.

It almost felt like an escape from reality.

For a while, I didn’t have to think about everything else going on in my life. I could just disappear into whatever this was.

But I knew what it was.

It was wrong.

When It Caught Up With Me

There was a point when it felt like he was living a double life.

We were together so often, and he was constantly going back and forth between the life he had at home and whatever was happening with me.

Then one day, his wife tried to contact me.

One of my cousins had created a fake social media account to expose what we were doing, and messaged his wife about it.

So she reached out to ask if there was anything going on between us.

And I still lied.

Looking back, that’s one of the hardest parts for me to admit.

Because that should've been the moment I stopped.

It should've been the moment I looked at everything and said, 

What the hell am I doing?

And I did think that.

But it still didn’t end there.

What was supposedly just a fling somehow continued for almost a year.

And somewhere along the way, I started falling for him.

That made everything even more complicated because I knew I was becoming emotionally attached to someone who was never mine to begin with.

I knew the situation wasn’t something I could build a real future on.

There were lies.

There were secrets.

And there were other people getting hurt because of it.

Yet I stayed.

When It Finally Ended

Eventually, we both agreed that whatever nonsense was going on between us needed to stop.

And when it finally did, I felt free.

Not happy.

Not proud.

Free.

I was also incredibly angry with myself.

Angry that I knew better and still stayed.

Angry that I had become someone I never thought I would be.

I hated that part of myself.

And honestly, I probably always will.

The Part I Had To Own

I was young, immature and very dumb.

But being young doesn’t erase the choices I made.

I can’t go back and change any of it.

And I can’t pretend I wasn’t a part of it either.

It happened already.

All I can do now is be honest about the part I played.

And look deeper at why I was willing to put myself in a situation that went against the person I wanted to be.

Because nothing good can be built on someone else’s pain.

I don’t look back at that time and romanticise it.

I don't think everything happens for a reason.

Some things happen because we make choices. 

And sometimes those choices are bad ones.

I know I can’t change the woman I was then.

I can't undo that chapter, but I refuse to let it define the rest.